Transparency Post—Begin Again

Transparency post: One thing I’m trying to do with this blog is give advice and tips while also being fully transparent (i.e. laying myself bare and being wildly vulnerable) about all the ways I am failing and flailing and falling off the wagon with my own advice.

So while I’m telling you all about routines and rituals and ways to stay productive and creative, I’m also watching my own routines and well-laid plans stumble and crumble and fall apart.

I’m hearing all the stories in my head, all the voices telling me how much I suck.

(If you wonder if you’re the only one with mean voices in your head, here’s just a brief little peek into some of mine: I can’t do this business. I’ll never be able to do this. I’ll never actually make good money. I am always struggling for money. I am always floundering. I can’t support myself. I can’t take care of us. I can’t do this; I’m not good at business. No one is listening. No one cares. I am hollering into a vacuum. I should just get a real job. I don’t have a real job. I don’t do real work. I’m lazy. I’m not doing anything real. Ahhhhh.)

It’s important to remember that these voices are not (only) mean. That they are afraid. That they’re little/young parts of my psyche that are trying to keep me safe and fed and alive. And it’s also important to remember that these voices have been trained and manipulated by the powers that be, by the people in power who want to remain in power, and whose power is dependent on my playing small, staying in my lane, being satisfied with my place as a cog in the machine. Dependent on my not demanding change of myself and of the world.

So then, when the self-flagellation reaches a breaking point, or hopefully before that, when I notice the voices and the nastiness I’m spitting at myself… then I am picking myself back up, dusting myself off, setting a new route and making a new plan—and beginning again.

This is the most poignant thing I have learned from beginning (and breaking, and beginning anew) a meditation practice: just begin again. The point is NOT to never think, never lose attention on the breath. The point in meditation is to EXPECT to lose focus, and to notice when it happens, and when it does, to gently guide your attention back to the breath or your focal point.

The point in creative projects (as in life) is not to never fail, to never break attention, to never break routines and plans and goals. The point is to EXPECT to fail, to expect to drift off, lose focus, get distracted (or bowled over) by life. And, when that happens, to gently bring yourself back to the plan, the vision, and begin, again.

Just begin again.

So here I am. Beginning again. Resetting the intention to keep a regular blog on embodied creativity. Reevaluating the goal to have a weekly post, and deciding that a bi-weekly post is both more sustainable and more fitting to my life and all my other plans and goals (hi, writing a novel, coaching multiple clients, teaching multiple writing courses, editing, building a business, and raising a child…)

Here is my accountability: I will reset, and begin (again) writing a regular blog post on embodied creativity, on a bi-weekly basis. Thank you for holding me accountable. Thanks for being here. :)

Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash